The 10 Greatest Gifts I Gave My Children

Parenting from the Heart

By Steven Vannoy

Tool Three: Teach

Wow. Does Steven Vannoy ever nail this chapter. Vannoy asks readers how many times they’ve said to their children, “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times….” or “Everything I tell you seems to go in one ear and out the other?” Sound familiar? Do you find yourself saying this to your children or thinking it? If you do, it might be just the right time to rethink some things. Instead of repeating ourselves over and over, knowing this isn’t working, can we find other ways to involve our children in what they need to be doing without “nagging”? Is it time to let go a bit and allow our children the opportunity to think for themselves and discover how to do things on their own? By allowing your child to be an independent thinker, you’re fostering better cooperation and creating learning opportunities for your child to build life skills.

Encouraging children to be the driver of their learning is what’s best for development. When children learn through trial and error, they remember (it’s just the way brains work); when one or more of your children’s senses are engaged during their learning, even better. Your children won’t need to be told (or reminded) how to do something because they will have taught themselves, and it will stick. This sure makes better sense than constantly repeating ourselves to our children who aren’t listening or are tuning us out.

When we over-talk to our children and think for them, it’s often because we want to redirect our children away from making a mistake or don’t want our children to be uncomfortable (sad or disappointed) that something didn’t work out. When children are “uncomfortable,” odd as it may seem, it opens the door for learning opportunities. Uncomfortableness inspires children to problem solve and work towards relieving or eliminating what’s causing them discomfort. Children are learning valuable life lessons in these moments, ones necessary to grow into successful adults. Vannoy tells us, “One of the gifts I most hear parents say they want for their children is the ability to make wise decisions, to think for themselves. Yet, if we tell our children what to do all the time, how do they learn to think for themselves?”

 What is really behind us telling our children way too often what and how to do something or simply doing it for them? We don’t want them to fail, don’t want them to be disappointed when things don’t work out, or are we afraid we might look bad if our child missteps? Ouch, that last one might hurt a bit; those egos get in the way sometimes.

Remember the last time you solved a problem all by yourself? How did it feel? Were you proud of yourself? When we do something by ourselves and do it well, our confidence soars. Allowing our children to have the opportunity to do things for themselves (that they can) is just plain ole’ good parenting. 

Stepping back and giving our children the space to make discoveries and learn independently has the staying power that telling them doesn’t.’ 

So next time you start to repeat yourself, telling your child how to do something again for the millionth time (or doing it for them), remember to let your child do it for themselves and skip the narrative. Your child will figure it out. Regardless of how it ends, your child will have learned to repeat it (if it worked) or change it (if it didn’t’). And be prepared, you will see your child exploding with enthusiasm and joy, because they are doing things “all by themselves.”

 “Tell me, and I’ll forget, show me, and I may remember; involve me, and I’ll understand.”  Chinese Proverb