Parenting from the Heart

By Steven Vannoy

Tool Two: Messages

 

Steven Vannoy writes, “There are really only two kinds of messages we can give our children—hurtful ones that belittle or diminish them or love messages that reinforce their goodness, their talents, and their possibilities. Our messages are not all verbal either. The crook of our eye-brow, a gesture of our hand, a smile, a frown---all speak volumes to our children.” 

 

Vannoy spends a great amount of time in this chapter discussing the importance of children receiving positive messaging from adults that help them become all they can be. The following story is a beautiful example of how critical the messaging we send to children impacts who they grow to become.

 

 

 Teddy’s Story

Teddy’s 5th-grade teacher (only a 2nd-year teacher) changed his life. From the first day of school, his teacher disliked him. He came to school dirty every day, and his hair was so long, he had to hold it away from his eyes so he could see. He had an unpleasant odor most days. He wasn’t a solid student and the teacher had labeled him as slow. Teddy knew his teacher didn’t like him but didn’t know why, nor did his teacher. He “rubbed” her the wrong way, I guess. Trying to learn some history about Teddy, his teacher retrieved his cumulative/history folder from his prior school years. She learned he had shown academic promise earlier, but his home life was not good. His previous teachers always mentioned his excellent behavior but that he struggled with his academics. In 3rd grade, his mother passed away, and his dad was not very involved in caring for him or helping him with his studies. 

Like the other children, Teddy brought a Christmas present for their school Christmas party to his teacher. It was that day, Teddy’s world changed. The teacher opened Teddy’s gift and gushed about how much she liked it. She put on the gaudy bracelet with missing stones and dabbed some of the half-used perfume behind her ears. Teddy stayed after the party for a few minutes, and his teacher told him again how much she liked the presents he had given her. Teddy responded, “You smell like my mom.” After Teddy left, the teacher put her head on her desk and wept. She told herself that day; she would be the teacher to him that he deserved. And she was.

Seven years later……Teddy sent his teacher a short letter telling her he wanted her to be the first person to know he was graduating 2nd in his high school class.

Four years later…. Teddy sent her another letter letting her know that he was graduating from college first in his class.

The last letter the teacher received from him was letting her know (she was the first person he told) that he had graduated from medical school and now was a doctor. He then invited her to his wedding and asked her if she would sit in the spot reserved for his parents. His dad had died the previous year.

 

I don’t know about you, but this story moved me. From this teacher’s perspective, she didn’t do that much. She became an encourager instead of sending negative messaging to a student that was hard to like initially. And when her attitude and messaging changed towards Teddy, she began to see him in a different light, leading Teddy to see himself differently.

If this teacher could change the messaging, she sent to Teddy in a school setting that led to changing the trajectory of his whole life, imagine the possibilities that lay ahead for your child and their future with the messaging your child receives from you.

See you next time…